Common Behaviors That Ruin Relationships and How to Fix Them
In any relationship, there are certain behaviors that can damage it. Dr. John Gottman, world renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, identified four of these behaviors and called them the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These behaviors, which I will describe below, are identified as:
- criticism
- contempt
- defensiveness
- stonewalling
They are warning signs that your relationship could be in trouble. Understanding these patterns can help you avoid them and create a healthier relationship!
Criticism (Attacking the Person, Not the Problem)
Criticism happens when you attack your partner’s character or personality. Instead of saying “I don’t like when you forget to take out the trash,” criticism would sound like, “You’re so lazy, you never do anything right.” This makes your partner feel like they’re being personally attacked.
How to fix it: Instead of criticizing, talk about the specific behavior that’s bothering you. Use “I” statements like, “I get frustrated when the trash isn’t taken out,” so it’s about the action, not your partner’s worth.
Contempt (Disrespecting Your Partner)
Contempt is the most toxic of the Four Horsemen. It involves treating your partner with disrespect, using sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, or hostile humor. This behavior conveys a sense of superiority and is often driven by feelings of disgust or disdain.
How to fix it: Focus on showing respect and appreciation. Instead of mocking, try to speak kindly and show empathy, even when you’re upset. Small acts of kindness and gratitude can go a long way.
Defensiveness (Blaming Your Partner)
Defensiveness is when you respond to criticism by defending yourself, often with excuses or blame. For example, if your partner says, “You forgot to pick up the groceries,” a defensive response might be, “Well, it’s not my fault, you didn’t remind me!”How to fix it: Instead of making excuses, listen to your partner and take responsibility. Even if you didn’t do everything perfectly, owning up to your part can help move the conversation forward.
Stonewalling (Shutting Down)
Stonewalling happens when one person stops talking or shuts down emotionally during a conversation. This might look like walking away or giving your partner the silent treatment when things get tough. It’s a way of avoiding the issue, but it also stops any chance of resolving it.How to fix it: If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, but make sure you come back to the conversation later. Let your partner know you need a moment to calm down and then re-engage when you’re ready.
How to Prevent the Four Horsemen
These behaviors are harmful, but you can change them! Dr. Gottman suggests simple ways to combat the Four Horsemen:Criticism: Use “I” statements instead of blaming your partner. For example, say “I feel upset when…” rather than “You always…” Contempt: Show respect and appreciation for your partner. Take time to express gratitude for the little things. Defensiveness: Take responsibility for your actions, even if it’s a small part of the problem. Stonewalling: Take a break if you need one, but make sure to return to the conversation and work through it together.The Four Horsemen can cause serious damage to a relationship, but recognizing them is the first step to making things better. By changing the way you communicate and focusing on respect, responsibility, and kindness, you can build a stronger and healthier connection with your partner. Relationships take work, but with effort, you can avoid these harmful patterns and enjoy a lasting, loving relationship.
