The Gottman Method
Dr. John Gottman is a well-known expert in relationships. He has spent decades studying what makes relationships thrive. His work has led to the development of the Gottman Method, which offers tools for building stronger connections between couples. The Gottman Method teaches that successful relationships aren’t about perfection but about being present, understanding each other, and being committed to making it work.
Here are seven principles from the Gottman Method that can help strengthen your relationship:
1. Build Love Maps
The first principle is about creating a Love Map, which is your understanding of your partner’s inner world. This includes knowing their worries, dreams, hopes, likes, and dislikes. When you know your partner’s world deeply, you can support them better and strengthen your emotional connection. Regularly checking in with your partner about their feelings and experiences keeps your relationship grounded and intimate.
Here is a fun quiz to get your love map started.
2. Share Fondness and Admiration
According to WinMarriage, healthy couples practice 5 compliments for every negative comment. It is essential to nurture fondness and admiration for each other. This means expressing appreciation for your partner, both for the big things they do and for the smaller details that make them who they are. Cultivating a habit of admiration helps to foster positivity and reinforce the emotional bond between you both.
3. Turn Towards Each Other, Not Away
Turning Toward Each Other Instead of Away is an important principle. It means responding positively when your partner makes an “emotional bid”—which is any attempt they make to get your attention, support, or affection. These bids can be small, like a comment, a question, or a gesture. For example, if your partner says, “I had a rough day,” or “did you see that?” they are reaching out to connect. Instead of responding harshly or not responding, turning “toward” these “bids” (by showing interest or offering support) helps build emotional intimacy and shows your partner that you care.
4. Let Your Partner Influence You
In healthy relationships, letting your partner influence you is essential. This principle encourages both partners to be open to each other’s ideas, perspectives, and needs. Rather than trying to win every argument, being willing to compromise and accept influence creates a sense of mutual respect and equality.
5. Solve Solvable Problems
Not all problems are deeply rooted problems, and those that are solvable can be worked through with patience and empathy. Solving solvable problems means addressing day-to-day conflicts calmly and respectfully. By staying focused on the problem at hand, using clear communication, and avoiding blame, you can resolve minor issues without letting them build up.
6. Overcome Gridlock
Some issues don’t have easy solutions and may be rooted in deeper dreams or values—this is what Gottman refers to as “gridlock”. In this case, it’s important not to try to “win” the argument, but to explore the underlying needs or values that are causing the gridlock. By understanding these deeper issues and discussing them respectfully, you can work through gridlock and find ways to support each other’s dreams.
7. Create Shared Meaning
The final principle is about creating shared meaning in the relationship. This is the process of developing a sense of purpose together, through shared values, rituals, goals, or beliefs. When couples create shared meaning, they feel like a team and are united by their shared vision for the future. Whether it’s through family traditions, career aspirations, or common hobbies, this shared purpose strengthens your emotional bond.
This article by Bringham Young University provides some talking points to start the process. Asking questions and sharing stories helps to strengthen your bond.
By following the seven principles above, you can improve communication, resolve conflicts, and create a stronger, more fulfilling connection with your partner!
