Resetting Your Relationship for the Better
Fresh Start in a Fresh Year
Every year we begin anew. We all get the opportunity to start fresh; have a do over. We get another chance to get it right this trip around the sun, and to make changes we didn’t in the year prior. We make goals, set resolutions, and tackle the gym. Everyone has a renewed hope in change for the better.
But how often in making our resolutions do we ask ourselves about the state of the relationships in our lives and what we would like to be different?
In life we have many different relationships: ones with our spouse or significant other, our immediate and extended family, our children, friends, co-workers, our higher power and most importantly with ourselves. We even have a type of relationship to the community in which we live, our local and national governments, to our Earth and every living thing around us.
Acknowledge Your Emotions
Maybe you have been feeling disconnected from your partner for a while, or are stuck in a vicious cycle of arguing with your child every morning before school. Maybe you are feeling anxious or used after interactions with a long-time friend or family member. Whatever the issue, relationships, like anything else in life take time, discipline, and discernment in navigating. It is also necessary from time to time to make adjustments when things get out of balance. Healthy relationships take healthy mindsets, an openness to learning, growth, ownership, and boundaries with ourselves and others.
As we move into this new year, we all have an opportunity to take time to reflect and make positive changes in our relationships. But where do you begin?
A good old fashioned pen and journal is one of the best places to get your creative juices flowing and to support your brain in reflecting and processing. Creating a brain map for your relationships can also be a helpful tool to organize and concisely determine where you need to set goals and make changes. Below are a couple of examples of what a typical brain map template might look like.
There is no one specific way to create your diagram. But an example could go something like this: Start with the relationship to yourself — as it is the most important — and write it in the center. Write your name and draw a circle around it. You then move out from there to the degree of importance in your life. Maybe next is your relationship to God or your higher power, then your spouse and children, followed by family and friends, work and community etc. You can draw boxes and/or circles around the named relationships and goals. Use lines to connect things and be creative! You can choose as many or as few relationships as you desire. Continue to take time to sit quietly. Maybe make a cup of coffee or hot tea, curl up or do whatever relaxes you. You will want to write down and journal your thoughts and feelings as they come about areas in your relationships that you have felt stress or in which you have a sense or desire for change. After journaling your thoughts and feelings, you then want to create more concise goals of what you would like to work on in each relationship. The goals can be written out as a statement or even just a word. Remember it is best to choose one to three things to work on in each relationship. The more you choose, the more pressure and difficulty you might encounter as you work to accomplish your goals in your expected time frame.
Figuring Out What You Need
For some we know exactly what we want to be different with ourselves and with the relationships in our lives. For others this may take time, or we may need the assistance of someone on the outside who can be objective. This is a great opportunity to schedule a therapy appointment to aid in the reflection and planning process. It is a good idea to continue to use your journal to write out more detailed steps of how you will tackle each goal you have chosen. Once your map is done, you focus on one step at a time, one or two relationships at a time. Don’t try to tackle it all at once. Time and pressure or persistence is all it takes for change.
And remember, this is not about controlling or manipulating others in our lives to get them to change what we think they should change. We cannot control others, but we can focus on our own circle of control. This can help us in making necessary changes and to reduce conflict and improve interactions with those we love. Making a conscious effort to better our relationships will also improve our own mental health and day-to-day lives.
