The "Yes Brain"
Choosing "Yes" Over "No"
The “Yes Brain” was originally coined by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson in their book Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child and it directly explains what happens when all a child hears is no, no, no, no.
The yes brain is empowering, the no brain is threatening, Siegel and Bryson explain.
How It Applies
So often parents tell me, “I feel like I am saying no all day long” or “My child has huge meltdowns when they don’t get what they want and are told no.” I hear you! Hear me out, it is just as exhausting for your child to hear “no” all day long as it is for you to say it all day long. They get worn down, just like we do. And when they’re worn down, guess what their breaking point looks like? Absolute chaos. It goes something like this:
“I want to go to the playground after school.”
“No, not today.”
Your child attempts to wear you down to get what he/she wants.
You escalate in your “no” getting angrier.
Your child levels up – screaming and tantruming.
Your exhausted and perhaps give in – “Fine, but just for a few minutes.”
And just like that, your child learned that to get what they want, they must scream longer and louder.
Per Siegel and Bryson, hearing “no” curtails a child’s development because it shuts down connectedness and new opportunities to learn.
Now, let’s look at the “yes brain” approach. Let’s rewind the playground conversation.
Your child says, “I want to go to the playground after school.”
You reply, “Oh, you want to go to the playground. What a fun idea! We have to go home today after school, but we can go tomorrow. Will you go on the swings or the slide first?”
Instead of an instant shutdown in the word, “no”, you’re still asserting a boundary, but it’s an uplifting one that prioritizes a sense of connection and curiosity. Obviously, there are situations that require an immediate “no”. In fact, boundary setting is a vital part of ending those power struggles. But we can say “no” and make our child feel like we’re on their side, avoiding the power struggle. According to Siegel and Bryson, the more we can pause and shift our response from reactivity to receptiveness, the better equipped we are to achieve this ideal.
Some other examples of this are:
Your child says, “Can we color?”
You reply, “You want to color together. That will be so much fun! Yes! When I’m finished emptying the dishwasher in 10 minutes, we can color. I can’t wait!
Your child says, “I want ice cream.”
You reply, “I’m getting hungry now too. We have to eat dinner first, but let’s pick out a flavor for later. Do you want vanilla or chocolate?”
Ultimately, the “yes brain” is about helping your child achieve balance in that boundaries are still being set, but in a way they are more capable of tolerating. If your child is struggling with big emotions and tantrums, and you are a parent struggling with how to handle them, Lake Norman Family Therapy is happy to serve you. Reach out using our Contact Us form.
